The Timing

"On Summer Weddings," or "Tornadoes & Tuxedos"
The first pressing issue that sort of demands your attention, post-proposal-wise, is Setting a Date.  And naturally, everyone thinks "Summer!  It will be soooo beautiful! We can have an outdoor wedding! Everyone gets married in June!"

Fair enough.

And we thought that, too.  But then we started thinking, really thinking, about spending a significant time outdoors in summer.  In formalwear.  And suddenly it started seeming like not-quite-such-a-good-idea.

At best, it (i.e., the weather) will be beautiful.  But beautiful days in summer are actually pretty rare.  Much more common are: Thunderstorms.  Wind.  Blisteringly hot sun.  Beating down on you.  Elderly family members passing out.  Lightning crashes.  It's like a Live song, or a Russian novel.


"On Winter Weddings," or "Free Decorations!"


So we started thinking, hard, about a Winter Wedding.  You can count on the weather being what it will be (i.e., cold).  You don't have to worry about the weather!  You already know you'll be having the ceremony and reception indoors.  (More on that to follow...)  And, best of all, Free Decorations!!!

Why free decorations?  Because getting married in a church is one of those traditions that makes sense, marriage having some pretty religious roots.  And churches are already decorated in December!!!  Beautifully decorated.  For free.  It's already done.

Low stress + beautiful, free decorations = part of an amazing(ly) inexpensive wedding.


Random Notes on the Passing Scene

What I'm listening to: "Personal Jesus" by Johnny Cash.
What Rachel is probably listening to: "Crash Into Me"  by the Dave Matthews Band.

A Quick Note on Proposals

No Public Proposals

If you are a guy, and you have not proposed yet, forget about jumping on this trend of proposing in public ("PIP").  There are a few reasons I can think of for PIP, and none of them are particularly good.  (1) You're showing off.  Hate to say it, but this isn't about you.  (2) You're doing it so she can show off by telling her friends all about the most extravagant, over-the-top marriage proposal ever.  EVER.  This is a lot like trying to buy the biggest (expletive) diamond engagement ring ever.  (3) You're betting that she'll have to say yes because of the added societal pressure created by the audience.  This is just wrong.  So think about doing it somewhere private, or at least semi-private.  A park, maybe?  A Jumbotron, no.

Don't rehearse.  

Even if you get so nervous (omigod I was so nervous) that you completely (expletive) everything up, she'll love it, because (1) she can tell the hilarious story to everyone, and (2) she'll know you very seriously thought about and had at least some appreciation for the repercussions of the question you were asking before you asked it.  That is a good thing.

Don't spend too much on the ring.  

How much should you spend on an engagement ring?  Not too much.  And by too much, I mean probably about anything more than 5-10% of what you'd ideally like to spend on the wedding itself.  So if you want a $10,000 wedding, just around $750 seems about right.  If that seems low, remember: nobody needs a ring with a diamond the size of an (expletive) bowling ball.  Worse, it's just plain socially irresponsible to buy a new ring that doesn't use conflict-free diamonds.  On the other hand, it's just plain fiscally irresponsible to buy one WITH a conflict-free diamond, because those things are ludicrously expensive.

So shop around.  Good places to shop for engagement rings online: www.etsy.com, www.ebay.com.  Good brick-and-mortar places: pawn shops, antique stores, auctions.

If you have an heirloom engagement ring in the family, use that.  She'll love it.

Diamonds(?)

If you're going with a diamond, you'll hear a lot about the four c's.  I'm pretty sure color is the most important; you'll want one that's as close to colorless as you can afford.  Cut is probably the least important -- they're all pretty well-cut these days.  How many carats?  I'd go with anything over .25 and under .6 for the primary stone.

The Road Less Travelled

And maybe forget about diamonds, if she's open-minded about that sort of thing.  Pearls were traditional way before diamonds, although they're a little more delicate.  Colored stones are sometimes more beautiful (and always more unique).  I've been reading The Beautiful and Damned, wherein the beautiful Ms. Gloria requests a silver ring set with emeralds, which sounds kind of hip.  Wooden bands are environmentally friendly, I think, as are (obviously) any vintage ring.  Possibilities...

But what it all comes down to is a reasonable engagement ring: the first step to an amazing(ly inexpensive wedding.  Use the money you both saved on your marriage instead -- take a trip together, buy something you'll need for your new home together, donate it to a favorite charity.  


P.S., you may start to feel secretly superior to people with giant blood diamonds strapped to their ring fingers.  Embrace the feeling.  You're only human, after all.

First Things First: The List

One thing we've found really helpful as we've been beginning to plan our wedding is The List.  A few days after The Proposal (so so nervous), we sat down together and compiled a list of the things we really, really needed in order to have a wedding.

We came up with four things.

1. Us.  (It seems pretty obvious, but we totally forgot this one for awhile...)
2. Other people, for two reasons: (a) to solemnize the occasion, and (b) to help celebrate our marriage.
3. Music, for one reason: DANCING!!!  (See also 2(b))
4. Alcohol, which (for some people) is a prerequisite for #3 (and therefore, #2(b)).*

That being said, we haven't exactly been consulting The List before making every decision -- but its real value, I think, is in helping us keep our priorities straight.  We didn't actually make a List of Things We Don't Need to Have a Wedding, but it would've included:

1. Stress.
2. Blotter paper included in our invitations (because what the (expletive) is blotter paper?!).

The List has helped us remember what we really need -- and avoid spending too much time on things that will cause something we really don't need: unnecessary stress.  Because who wants to kick off a marriage by living through months of stress, arguments, etc.?  

Your List

So think about making a Wedding List of your own, and try to limit it to the things you really, really need.  You might be surprised by what doesn't make The List -- things like a wedding planner, personalized party favors, a two-hour slide show at the reception, the most expensive venue in town, and that (expletive) blotter paper in the invitations.  And you might find that, really, planning a wedding can be a simple, beautiful process that actually brings you closer together.

And you might find yourself planning your own amazing(ly inexpensive) wedding.

* Side note: we definitely broke it down in the condiments aisle of our local grocery store yesterday while listening to The Fugees playing over the in-store PA system.  Sober.  So, alcohol may be sort of negotiable.  But somehow it seems very appropriate to have at least wine at a wedding -- even Jesus thinks so.

The Non-Ridiculous Wedding Manifesto, pt. 2

A Wedding Is One (EXPLETIVE) Day...
Though, to be clear at the outset, it's a very important one.  But one of the things we're really trying to avoid is focusing too much on the wedding -- and too little on what's going to follow the wedding.  The wedding is one (expletive) day; the marriage is the rest of our lives (i.e., hopefully a whole lot of days).

... and What About the Marriage?!
In fact, if you think about it, it seems a little weird that people are always asking newly engaged couples, "Oh, when's the wedding?",  "What are your wedding colors?",  "Where is the wedding going to be?", etc., all of which reflect our focus on weddings.  But the important thing is the MARRIAGE, right?  Remember the equation: Lots of days > one day.  Shouldn't we be asking instead, "When is the marriage?"

But (some) little girls dream not about being married, but about the perfect wedding.  We have wedding photographers, wedding caterers, wedding photographers, wedding planners.  And couples usually spend tens or hundreds of hours planning the wedding, thinking about the wedding, worrying about the wedding, etc.  And they usually spend a LOT of money on the wedding.

Yet how much time and money do couples spend planning the marriage?  A few hours of marriage counseling, if even that?

Save some of that money you would've spent on an expensive wedding for the marriage.  Pay down some debt (money is consistently ranked as the number one thing couples argue about).  Take a few great trips together, visit some friends who couldn't make it to the ceremony, or fill in the blank _________ with your own idea.

Or at least think about it, anyway.

The Non-Ridiculous Wedding Manifesto, pt. 1

So, first things first: WE ARE ENGAGED.  Which is amazing.  Just absolutely incredible.  I never, never, never thought this would happen.  It's lovely.  We are so completely in love...

...and so completely broke.

I'm not saying we're living on the streets, don't have enough food, can't afford housing, etc.  But we do have enough debt (student-loan debt, in our case) that we have a negative net worth (i.e., we owe more than we have).  And if you live in the United States and you're reading this, you probably do too: the Average American Household carries over $117,000 in debt, has an income of about $43,000, and has little to no savings.

Less Than Zero

If you're in the same boat (i.e., the underwater-debt-boat) and you just got engaged, try to remember this when thinking about your wedding: you have LITERALLY LESS THAN NOTHING to spend on this thing.  Same goes for your parents.

So, mathematically, your budget is probably < $0.00.  Which brings us to:

The Magic of Interest

Again, if you're in this boat (i.e., the underwater-debt-boat), every penny you spend is borrowed.  Let's say it's borrowed at 7%, and you'll take 10 years to pay it back.  Doesn't sound so bad, right?  But it means your $25,000 wedding is actually going to cost you a total of $34,832.54.  And you're going to be paying $290.00 per month, for one hundred and twenty months.  Just for one (expletive) day.

Opportunity Costs
And whether you're in this boat (i.e., the underwater-debt-boat) or any other boat, you're going to incur opportunity costs in paying for a wedding, which is just a fancy way of saying that you could've spent the money on something else.  If you can downgrade from that $25,000 wedding to a $10,000 (or, even better, $3,000) wedding, you'll essentially have a bunch of extra money to take a great honeymoon, then take a couple more great trips, or buy a car, or pay down debt, or buy a $5.00 bottle of wine, drink it, then make a bonfire of 14,995 one-dollar bills and dance around them while they burn.  It'll probably be a lot more fun than fighting with your fiancee about whether to include custom blotter paper in your invitations (because what the (expletive) is blotter paper anyway?!).

Anyway, by this point, you're hopefully beginning to wonder if having an inexpensive wedding is actually a pretty amazing idea.  And this is just Part One!  More to follow.